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This memorial website was created in the memory of our son, Joshuah Daniel Neubauer who was born on October 13, 2000 and entered Heaven's gates December 8, 2000. We will remember him forever.
Do You Remember Me?
I can't believe after all this time,I can't get over you,
I guess a love like ours is one of a kind, a love that is true.
It's been 7 years since you left me to go to God & Heavens immensity,
Do you still remember me?
It's like a bad dream that plays over & over in my head, Of things I wish I'd done or words I would of said.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, Even after all this time,what am I going to do?
Maybe this is the way daddys are suppose to feel,
Perhaps our wounds are never intended to heal.
If I could ask but one question why,
How is it God could need you more than I?
Laying there on the floor unaware of what's to come
That soon God would open his doors
And welcome you to his kingdom
If I could see you one last time
Laying there on the floor
I’d pick you up and hold you once more
I’d tell you that I love you
And that I’d miss you bunches
But til the day arrives
When I will see you with my eyes
And hold you again
I’ll hold you where you’ve always been and that is in my heart.
Megan Holicky
Whole
Don't look into my eyes
I don't want you to see
All the misery & anguish
That lives inside of me
Don't look into my eyes
I don't want you to know
There is a hole in my heart
That continues to grow
Don't look into my eyes
I don't want you to feel
The extent of my grief
That I beg not to be real
Don't look into my eyes
It is the window to my soul
A piece of me has been taken
That only when reunited
I again will be whole
Joshuah ~ May you always know how deeply you are loved . . . and how very special you are. May you know that we love you completely, totally, always and forever!
I Never Felt ...
adapted by Angie Neubauer
I never felt pain
Until I had a life taken away
A life that was a part of my body
A part of my living days
I never felt sorrow
Until I saw my son's face
I never felt shock
Until I held his little body in my embrace
I never felt hate
Until I saw there was nothing I could do
I never felt lost
Until I really could feel & knew
I never felt helpless
Until I held my son in my arms
I never felt bewildered
Until there was no more of his charms
I never realized how short time could be
Until that one day Josh was taken away from me
I never cried so hard in such strife
Until that one day took my son's life.
My Everyday Conversation
Written by Tracy Weeks
In memory of Jenica Lynn Weeks (4/23/98- 6/19/98) adapted by Angie Neubauer
"...You've been married 8 years? My, you don't look that old.
Do you have any children?" That's when my blood runs cold.
This person who stands before me is considering me a friend
I hope this time is easier. " Well, here I go again..."
"We do have children, four of them! Two boys & two girls, you see."
"How wonderful! How old are they?"
"...They are 5, 4, and 5 months."
"I thought you said that you have four."
"I do...my first child passed away."
"Oh my God! How old was he?"
"He was 8 weeks old."
I hold my breath and wait, for I know what's about to happen
"Oh, how sad ...if that happened to me...I can't begin to imagine!"
"You're lucky that he died so young, before you both could bond."
"He's in a better place, you know he's safe up there with God."
"Did the babysitter kill him?"
"Maybe he was sick."
"Boy, you guys sure were able to replace him mighty quick."
"It's been 7 years...do you still think of him on his birth date?"
"Isn't SIDS that thing they say when they really suffocate?"
"You mean you didn't have some feeling that he might die that day?"
"Someday you'll "get over it" and your tears will go away."
I hope you never have to feel what I feel everyday
So as you're voicing your ideas I really want to say...
"My innocence died on December 8th, 2000.
My son's death has ripped my heart, but now I feel no hate
For the only way you could understand is if you lost your baby, too
It's obvious you have your innocence...you should thank God that you do.
So when you see us with our three please try to get this right
We have four we love, three that run and one that's taken flight!"
Some days
I want to die
Just to be with you again.
Then I remember life’s beauty
And I live to honor you.
Some days
I wish for one more day with you,
One more moment to hold you, touch you, kiss you.
Then I realize “one more” would never be enough
And I choose to cherish “the ones” I had.
Some days
You invade my every thought.
All I see is your beautiful face, your perfect body
And I long to hold you again…
But instead I must hold onto memories.
Some days
I think of all that could have been
All that should have been, with you here…
And my heart breaks without you –
Then your siblings make my heart soar.
Some days
I feel such unbearable sorrow
I miss you so –
And I know I’d rather feel that forever
Than to never have known you.
Some days
I see families who have not endured this pain.
I envy their pure, unadulterated joy.
Then I realize your life has made my joys bigger, my will stronger
As I rise above the sorrow of your death.
Some days
I’d give anything to have you here,
To see your precious face and give you all my love.
Then I remember that love
Is all you ever knew.
Some days
I glow with pride as people speak of you
They send you gifts, balloons, notes –
All Heaven-bound
And I smile because you are known to them, part of them, loved by them.
Some days
I am so overjoyed to have your siblings in my life
That for a moment I can’t imagine being happier…
Then I think if you were still here
My joy would be uncontainable.
Some day
Perhaps we’ll all be together again.
My kids will be reunited,
My husband’s spirit will soar
And finally I will feel whole.
Some day
My precious, beloved son,
I will dance with you in Heaven
And I will never let you go.
…For now, sweet baby, I carry you with me.
You are in all I do, all I love, all that I am.
Your life has defined me and we are inseparable.
My Sweet Boy …
I remember the day that I first learned of you
I quickly noted of when you'd be due
I was nervous and scared - could this really be?
When years come to pass, what would you think of me
The next nine months were all but a rush
Your brand new life was in my hands to trust
You would look at me with such innocent eyes
Now, only my memories hold the sound of your sighs
Your life here on earth was so short, but sweet
Not an enemy or danger you will ever meet
I pray at night that it was nothing I did
That took your life---they called it SIDS
It is hard to accept and just stand by
The questions I have of HOW and WHY?
For every day that passes, my heart aches
Reluctant I am… a new life I must make
So now that you play in Heaven above
Please remember you mommy's eternal love
Remember my kisses, I'll see you again
I'll love you forever, my sweet boy.
Star light star bright
How is my angel baby tonight?
Oh baby I miss you so
Why did you have to go?
My heart feels broken in two
Oh baby how I miss you
Will the pain ever go away?
Or is it here to always stay?
I don't understand why you had to leave
While I sit here and grieve
You are so beautiful to me
Oh if only your cute little face I could see.
You were so sweet
A little blessing I got to meet
You were eight weeks old when you died
Oh baby do you know how much I've cried?
Will the nightmare ever end?
Now that you are gone with the wind?
I didn't want it to be true
When the doctor said there was nothing they could do.
S.I.D.S. is like a thief in the night
It just isn't right
You should have been able to grow old
Then this story would never have had to been told.
Oh baby why did you have to go?
Your mommy, daddy, sisters and brother love you so
You are so missed
And should be here to be hugged and kissed
We love you!
By Alauna's Mother, Pam
The Pit
The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life; waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever. The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair; it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.
Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.
Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.
Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know ... the "better them, than me" attitude.
My post-grief friends are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit of grief. They have no way of comparing the pit climber to the pre-grief person I once was. You see, they started at the bottom of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit.
Author Unknown
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Another Year Gone
I came to see you the first of the year
I said "I Love You", but you didn't hear
On Valentines' Day I gave you a token
I gave you my heart, but my heart was broken
On your birthday I came, but had nothing to say
The lump in my throat just got in the way
On Easter, I brought you one little flower
I wished I could have you for just one more hour
On Mother's Day, I think that was the worst
For the hurt in my heart, almost caused it to burst
I came on the fourth, with bombs bursting in the air
But I didn't hear them, I didn't care
On Halloween, I came with my sack
I wanted to hug you, but you couldn't hug back
I couldn't give thanks when Thanksgiving came
Because you weren't there and it wasn't the same
I came to see you at Christmas time
I ran your bell, but your bell did not chime
For the sleeping beauty one kiss it would take
But from this sleep "my beauty" you will never wake
"Another year gone" and a new one to start
like the tear in my eye and the ache in my heart.
I Stood By Your Bed Last Night
I stood beside your bed last night,
I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying,
quietly in your sleep.
I touched you softly
as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you,
I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast,
I watched you pour coffee,
You were thinking of how much you
were in LOVE with me.
I was with you at the store today,
Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels,
I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today,
You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you,
that I'm not really there.
I walked with you to the house,
as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my hand on you,
I smiled and said "it's me."
You looked so very tired,
and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know,
that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be
so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty,
"I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then
smiled, I think you knew ...
In the stillness of that evening,
I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch
you yawning and say
"goodnight, God bless,
I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you
to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and
we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to
show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out
then come home to be with me.
Author Unknown
Just For Today
Just for today, I will try to live through the next 24 hours...not expecting to get over my child's death, but learning to live with it...one day at a time
Just for today, I'll remember my child's life, not his death, and bask in the comfort of the treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today, I will forgive all the family and friends who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to. They truly did not know how.
Just for today, I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child. For they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today, I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt. For deep in my heart, I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today, I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child, be it my own, or someone else's, because I know that would make my child proud.
Just for today, I will offer my hand in friendship to other bereaved parents, fo I DO know how they feel.
Just for today, I will smile...no matter how much I hurt on the inside...for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today, I will allow myself to be happy and enjoy myself, for I know I am not deserting my child by moving on.
Just for today, I will accept that I did NOT die when my child did. My life did go on and I am the ONLY one who can make that life worthwhile again.
~by V.Tushingham, taken from the Bereaved Parents of the USA Tampa Bay Newsletter, Sept 2001.
~ Blessings ~
Standing by the door,
a mother and her friend.
Tears in my eyes~
this pain will never end.
A perfect healthy baby,
sitting in the cart.
Smiles & fun for everyone~
for me~ a broken heart.
I watched the happy mom,
as she proudly showed her friend,
her baby had a tooth~
...I had flowers in my hand.
She continued with her shopping,
her baby at her side.
I had to leave the store~
the tears I couldn't hide.
I quickly drove away,
...the flowers in my hand.
This broken heart will never mend~
I'll never understand.
A mom~ with her baby,
holds such blessings from above.
A smile, a cry, a tooth~
a baby she can love.
I hope she understands,
the blessings Our Lord gave.
...I have these flowers~
and a tiny little grave.
© Sharon Kivisto 1997
My Forever Child
You are a Precious Child
Created out of love,
a blessing from above.
I've adored you from the start,
and your little footprints touched my heart.
A single teardrop represents the millions I have cried.
My life never the same since you died.
I wish you could have stayed longer with me,
I'd watch you grow into all you could be.
Although we are no longer together,
Your beautiful spirit will endeavor.
I dream of a joyful time when
we will be reunited once again.
Thoughts of you make me smile.
You will always be My Forever Child
~Susan Mosquera, all rights reserved
" A Life so Brief, A child so small.
You had the power to touch us all "
I know you worry, dream and pray
That I'm alright and happy.
God is making sure I am, he fusses over me.
I know you miss and love me
I feel the same for you.
God tells me that's alright, it's what loving people do.
I know you hope I knew them all,
The ones who met me here,
Grandmas, grandpas, aunts and uncles,
And friends who took my fear.
God joined them at the gate,
He cried and said he missed me,
Because you taught me of His love,
I hugged him back—He kissed me.
I know you know I love you,
Please don't be afraid.
I laugh, I giggle, run and hide
With all the friends I've made.
So when you worry if I'm safe
Please remember this,
God is taking care of me, I laugh, I love, I live.
I love you, Mom
I love you, Dad
I worry, watch and pray.
Please don't forget how much I need
you both to be OK.
I'm always watching over you,
I know how hard you try
And when we meet again
You'll know—with love we never die.
Copyright © 2002 A K and Auntie Lois. All rights reserved.
As we cling to the dreams we had for our precious Joshuah - dreams like those of any new parent - we also cherish the memories of our brief time together, knowing they must now fill a lifetime. We will forever be grateful for your support and understanding as we move forward - always loving, never forgetting.
Please feel free to write a tribute or light a candle!
It would mean so much to us to know that you were here.
LINKS
http://www.sidsfamilies.com
http://www.irisremembers.com
http://kilian-donahue.memory-of.com/about.aspx
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Tributes and Condolences
